My Immortal Commentary
by Officer Helix
Summary: This is a commentary by my sister and I. We wanted to try our luck on the worst badfic in the history of all time. This is our story. Preps, posers, be welcome.


Hi, I'm Officer Helix, and i'm doing this commentary on the worst badfic in the history of the universe. ****

And I'm doing it with my ten year old sister...****

*I'm not normal...*****

By the by, normal is Tara (the original Author)**  
_Helix_ **is in Italics/bold**  
Weasel **is bold****

Hi im Mad Weasel (his ten year old sister) it's my birthday and this is my present from Helix.****

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.**_What spelling?_ **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

o0O0o

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia **_is a very sad mental illness and should not be made fun of!_ **Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid **limpid? **tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).**bye **I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.** _O.o_ **I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **_Pretty sucky vampire then, damn, I just realized that I made the Worst Pun in the history of all time._ **I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **_*cough* Scotland *cough*_ **where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth **no really? **(in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.**dress code! _Slut..._ **I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**  
**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy!**  
**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**  
**"Nothing." he said shyly **imposter!**.**  
**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**that's sad...**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **_No, it's not good Fangz_  
**AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!****

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin **_..._ **and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**  
**My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**_Wow, not even trying to hide the self insert here..._ **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.**she woke up grinned flipped her hair THEN opened her eyes! **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **DRESS CODE!  
**"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**  
**"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**  
**"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**  
**"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.** of course not  
**"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.**  
**"Hi." he said.**  
**"Hi." I replied flirtily. **_And I quote: "Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall._  
_"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted." Flirtily tends to imply that you do like him..._**

"Guess what." he said.**  
**"What?" I asked.**  
**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**  
**"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**  
**"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.**  
**I gasped. **_Your response is a gasp, yes 'cause if someone were to say, Hey Helix, want to go to the chinese place, I just go *GASP* and they're like, alright then, lets go!_**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odder**_ODDER_**wize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **_My mom's name is Charlotte, but not Chralotte (k-RA-lot)_**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.**DRESS CODE! _SLUT!_ **I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **_Okay then..._  
**I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **_No, we most certainly do not._  
**"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **_Hi! with an exclamation point is not depressed..._  
**"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**good thing to do on a first date _You tell 'em Maddy! Cynicism is usually my thing, but whatever._ **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**  
**"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **_That is the most horrifying description of childbirth I've ever read._  
**"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.**  
**Suddenly Draco looked sad.**  
**"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.**  
**"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **_Not the sharpest crayon in the box, is she?_  
**"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**  
**"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.** U SLUT I LOVE HILARY DUFF **I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **_Her ugly blond __face__?_  
**The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **_Wot? _**and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest! **_Lots of dots._**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!** _Sure, Ebony ENOBY Nut Mary Su Dar'kness Dementia Raven Way._  
**"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"**  
**Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.**  
**"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **_Totally bipolar, this one._  
**"Ebony?" he asked.**  
**"What?" I snapped.**  
**Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.****

_ALERT ALERT ALERT THIS IS THE FIRST OF MANY HORRIFYING SCENES, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200! ALERT ALERT ALERT_

And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**  
**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...**  
**"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"**  
**It was...Dumbledore! **_That was long..._**

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**  
_Wow._  
**Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.**  
**"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**  
**I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me.** _Don't comfort her, take her to the doctor's or something!_ **When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.**  
**"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**  
**"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **_Rofl_  
**"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**  
**And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**  
**Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **_WHAT? in real life, they'd get expelled or something!_  
**Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**  
**"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**  
**"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out...**  
**Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.****

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!****

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **_Slut. dresscode!_  
**In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.**haha!  
**"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **u were going down his face? **and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **_What. The. Fnac._  
**"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**  
**"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**  
**"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**grumbled?  
**"Why?" I exclaimed. **  
**"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.**  
**"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.**  
**"Really?" he whimpered.**  
**"Yeah." I roared. **_Shy, Question, Grumble, Exclaim, Giggle, Confession, Whimper, Roar, the first is a boy. *snort*_  
**We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.** _Am I too ambitious to hope for a killing curse as the surprise?_**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **_Oh, God reviews? Wow_ **n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **_Wot? _**STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! ** _Devil worshipping fleas _**n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!****

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? **_Why yes, yes dat sounds lik a Maru Sue 2 mi_**). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **_? _**Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then...****

_ALERT ALERT ALERT THIS IS THE FIRST OF MANY HORRIFYING SCENES, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200! ALERT ALERT ALERT_

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **_Yes._  
**"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... Vampire!**  
**I was so angry.**  
**"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **_Why, ENOBY is a vampire, right, plus Potter said " although most people call me Vampire these days." which implies that before, they just called him Potter, so he was probably talking about 'noby_**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.**  
**"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **_Dear, __sorry to burst your bubble, but no you have it too..._  
**I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **_You noticed it though..._ **I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.**  
**"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **_Bipolar bitch._**

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!****

_A lol right here, my spellcheck tried to correct "flassing" in the above A/N, and it corrected it to flashing._  
_This has been an Officer Helix lol._  
_And now, back to your regularly scheduled program._

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.**  
**"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.**  
**My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )** _That was convoluted._  
**"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **_Burn._  
**"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.**  
**Everyone gasped. **_More Gasp._  
**I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. **_Wait, What? a random unmarked P.O.V. change. Well then..._ **

_**DRACO'S POINT OF VIEW**_

****I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)****

_Another one? _

_**ENOBY'S POINT OF VIEW**_

****"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **Definition of VIRILITY**

**_: the quality or state of being virile: a : __manhood_ _3b : manly vigor : __masculinity_**

_Examples of VIRILITY_

_**many cultures value virility as a sign of power**_

_**First Known Use of VIRILITY**_

_**1586**_

_**Related to VIRILITY**_

_**Synonyms: machismo, macho, manhood, manliness,masculinity**_

_**Antonyms: femininity, muliebrity, womanhood, womanliness**_

****_**Thanks to the Merriam/Webster's Student Dictionary.**_****

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! _**You probably can't read anyway **_dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!**  
**_**Dumbledore doesn't swear in any movie.**_****

I was so mad and sad. _**That makes me glad.**_I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.**  
**Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose _**We get that he's got no nose.**_(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was..._**You know, this would be a lot more suspenseful if you hadn't said basically like voldemort in the movie…**_... ... Voldemort!**  
**"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.**  
**"Crookshanks!" **what?**I shouted at him.** ⁰**_**[}⁰**_Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.**  
**"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou **thou**must kill Vampire Potter!"**  
**I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? _**Wow, you catch on fast...**_**  
**"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.**  
**Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.**  
**"Thou**thou?**must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"**  
**"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.**  
**Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face._**Just like mine right now.**_"I hath **hath?**telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.**THAT was weird!****  
**I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.**  
**"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"**  
**"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit_**God, this starts now too.**_) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.**  
**"Are you okay?" I asked.**  
**"No." he answered.**  
**"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.**  
**"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. _**I imagine a small tree or something, and they walk on either side of it, but their heads are still stuck together, right, so they have to move back and try again.**_****

AN: stup it u gay fags _**I thought you said you were bisexual, a bit hypocritical of you...**_if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! _**What?...**_**  
**I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666 _**Of course.**_. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR _**That must sound...Horrible**_. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo _**Okay...**_now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid _**And Hagrid. What. The Fnac.**_. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)_**Spelling something counts as writing it, you know.**_or a steak_**A cooked chunk of meat *So the Iron Chef is also the Vampire Slayer...**_) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. _**An animated children's movie**_I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. _***Condescending* Of **__**course**__**not.**_**  
**We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. _**Bust, something you seem to have a lot of...**_**  
**"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.**  
**"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. _**Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, this female said fuck four times, fucking potty mouth.**_**  
**Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **how in the bloody hell did he do that?****  
**"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)**yes? no? yes? no? **_**YES! I win a million dollars. **_**No way! I shooted angirly****  
**I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.**  
**We practiced for one more hour. _**Yeah, your boyfriend just collapsed into a mental case, just keep practicing.**_Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. _***Snort***_**  
**"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **wait how come Enoby did not die?******

Helix: Well that's over with. These were the first ten chapters, out of a total of forty-four. I'm probably going to put this in either four or five installations, and lemme tell you, it's all downhill from here ****

Mad Weasel: yes it unfortunately is …...


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